I suck at finding balance in my life. I am a perfectionist, and I always see everything in black and white. I only see the best and the worst… not any of the intermediate options, or the okay way for something to play out. Not really the most fun way to live one’s life. I have struggled, for a long time, to really know what I want out of life. Especially when it comes to work. There are so many things that I enjoy doing, and am pretty decent at a lot of those things. However, once you put them into a 9 to 5ish box, with bosses and clients and all that fun stuff, I suddenly don’t enjoy doing them anymore.

So, what does one do when they are faced with wanting their job to provide that creative fulfillment that they have been longing for? I tried to do that in my spare time: knitting at night, sewing curtains, making quilts, etc… but we all know how much extra time is left at night after the pets are fed and dinner is cooked and the kitchen is cleaned up. And all of this before children! Instead of feeling fulfilled, I find myself sitting at work — daydreaming — my head spinning with creative thoughts. Yet, once I am home, I am too tired and drained to do anything creative.

I try not to focus solely on my complaints, without balancing them with some form of positive action. In this case, however, I do feel stuck. Too many “TO-DOs”, not enough free time for my creative endeavors, and no idea of what direction to point in for the future. In the meantime, I will just do my best teetering and tottering along.

I grew up with dogs. Never more than one, but for most of my living-at-home life, we had dogs. You see, my dad did not like cats. He was attacked by one when he was younger and therefore forever told dead cat jokes. I was intrigued by cats. They weren’t like dogs. They do things when they want. Only if they want.

About eight years ago, I “rescued” (or caught) my second cat in a friend’s backyard. This fuzzy girl was not prepared to be separated from her mother, and I was not prepared for how much she would change my life. My little Monster is the most cuddly little creature I have ever met. She is addicted to love. She will follow me around and complain if I don’t give her enough attention. When I pick her up, she lays her head on my shoulder. She comes running when I simply rub my fingers together. She keeps me company in the bathroom. She lays next to me when I am not feeling well.

I love you, little fuzzy girl. My cuddle Monster.

I am stuck. Like, the kind of stuck that I was hoping to avoid by starting this blog. I can’t find a truly creative outlet. Yeah, sure… I can knit things for others based off of patterns that are not mine, and I can build quilts inspired by patterns that are not mine, all of which is fulfilling to some degree, but… what is it that I am really meant to do? What is going to give me creative fulfillment?

I found a quote online this morning that seemed particularly poignant to me:

“Woman was born to create…in creating she becomes herself, accomplishes her destiny. Her whole life is only an initiation into creative power. To create is not merely to produce a work…it is to give out ones own individuality.”

– Jeanne De Vietinghoff

I know that creating things is extremely important to my well being. I love looking at and reading all of the beautiful things that are posted out there on the internet, yet have no idea what it is I can do to make my own mark.

So, now what?

Peppers, yes. Pickled, no. Given how expensive red peppers are, I started to freak out when I saw that they were getting just a bit old and we were going away for the weekend. So it was time to make homemade roasted red peppers. It does take a bit to roast, made my kitchen way hotter than it already was, and made me have to completely scrub down my stove at the end of the day. However, now I have some homemade peppers in the freezer and a sparkling clean stove. Not too shabby!

Newly potted basil. Watching kitties. Grilled steak, asparagus and tortellini salad.

Yay Sunday.

Today I completed the shade for my craft room. It has been partially constructed, sitting on a shelf, waiting for me for some time now. I seem to often get to a point where I am unsure of one of the components of the project, and just stall. Today, I found myself with some unexpected time on my hands… and pushed through with finishing up the shade. There are still some elements that are not exactly how I would have wanted them, but done is better than perfect. At least that is what I keep telling myself. So, all in all, today was a good day.

I find that it is very difficult to find inspiration anymore. I spend my days being somewhat creative, dreaming about all that I would like to get done when I get home at night. Then, work is over, I go home, get dinner ready, clean up from dinner, gather lunches for the next day… and plop on the couch, too drained to do anything other than knit or crochet. Not very productive. And with weekends pretty much booked with family and friends, the house is left unfinished.

However, I am determined to start chipping through my list: finishing shades, curtains, spackling, tiling, quilting, painting, knitting and gardening. I plan to post pictures and stories along the way. I do hope that you will join me.

I thought it would be interesting (or maybe just therapeutic for me) to document my journey to become more aligned with my creative soul. It begins here and now, even though I have been working at it for many years. I hope that you enjoy the experience along with me.